When trying to develop or change yourself for the better, sometimes you find yourself with obstacles in your way. Now here is the thing. Some of those obstacles may have been put there by yourself. At least, that is what I have found.So what reasons do we have for putting obstacles in our own way when it comes to changing ourselves? Well here are three reasons that I think are important to address when it comes to obstacles and personal change.
1) Secondary gains for staying the way we are.
Perhaps we get something from the way we are today - even though we think we want to change. Let us look an example. John has agoraphobia. It has developed over a period of time and now he is house bound. His wife loves him very much and she hates to see him this way and cares for him during his illness. John wants to change but at the same time doesn't do the anything to help himself change. He doesn't even try. A psychologist might say that John enjoys the attention he gets from having this condition or he enjoys being mothered and looked after. In psychology, this is called a secondary gain.
Do you have any secondary gains preventing you changing for the better? Ask yourself what is more important to you? Is this change worth more to you than the secondary gains?
2) You have a fear of failure.
Again let us use an example to help describe this self created obstacle. Peter hates his job. He feels lonely, isolated and the people he works with seem to be all self-serving rats in a rat race. Despite all this, his job is relatively secure and well paid. He has a family to provide for and a mortgage to pay. He feels secure. As time goes by his mental health begins to suffer - he starts to feel depressed and he has more arguments with his spouse. Yet he is afraid to change job. He is afraid of the unknown. He thinks the worst might happen i.e. that if he goes to another company he will not be able to do his job as well and he will get fired, he will loose his home and everything he ever worked for. He feels trapped.
Living under the burden of fear is a terrible thing but it is a very easy state to find yourself in. Especially in today's society. Ask yourself if fear is stopping you from changing for the better. Ask yourself - is your mental health suffering from staying where you are now? Look at past experiences of change in your life - the last time you changed job, was it really that bad?
3) You are letting perfectionism stop you from action.
Are you waiting for the right moment to change? Are you waiting for the right conditions to change? Do you want to be able to do these new things perfectly and don't want to start doing them until you feel you can do them perfectly? Remember things don't have to be perfect for you to change NOW. Are you telling yourself "I will change job when I feel more settled in my home?" or "I want my C.V. to be perfect before applying for my DREAM job!" then you discover these PERFECT times never come and you have missed your opportunities? Stop and ask yourself has perfectionism stopped YOU from progressing.
SOLUTION:
How do you know if I am putting obstacles in my way? Well you ANALYSE, ANALYSE, ANALYSE your thoughts and motivations! Here is how:
- Question your motives for NOT changing.
- What are your motives FOR changing?
- List out your life priorities. Take your time and work out what is important for you in this life and what you want to change?
- List out what things you have done right to reach your goals.
- Ask yourself WHY you haven't changed? Pretend your are being interviewed by a hard hitting newsperson. Write out how the dialogue might go between you and the journalist. How would they question your answers?
- After the imaginary journalist has finished with you - do you have any valid reasons left for not changing?
The main theme behind all this questioning is being honest with yourself. You may be surprised by how many obstacles YOU are putting in your way and once you realise this - it will become much easier to LEAP OVER THEM!
Good Luck,
Allen
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