Communication is the key to Peace!

These are things I’ve learned over the years about communicating with other “human kind”. Since we are all able to use verbal communication, it is important we follow some basic rules that are usually learned through the trial and error method. Hopefully these thoughts will be of value in your life (whether communicating with male or female, some principles are unisex and invaluable, in maintaining healthy relationships. Poor communication skills can raise your stress level dangerously high.

1. Honesty is premium. Without honest communication we are doomed to disaster. Many times you’ll hear people say, “Oh, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings”, or “he just couldn’t handle the truth”. Truth is far less damaging than lies. Sometimes the “delivery” might need to be handled delicately, with a positive tone, but in the long run - truth will always win out as the optimum choice as surely as the sun rises each morning.

2. Never assume, when a comment is initially made, that you actually know what the person meant. Sometimes it will be obvious, but consider the fact that painful communication and relationship scars in all of us will often color or alter the meaning of what a person may say - to you! If you feel uncomfortable or need clarification, simply ask. “I may be “I may be misunderstanding what you are saying, could you clarify for me?” Think of how many times an argument has occurred because of such misunderstandings. Never assume!

3. Listen until the other person has completed a thought. Don’t immediately start thinking about your response. You cannot hear what
the person is saying if you don’t give your full attention. This rule applies any time. It is the intelligent person that listens. It is the person who truly cares and wants to have understanding that listens.

4. If you have a complaint, state what you observed or feel. State it objectively; don’t generalize and don’t exaggerate. Use your intellect as opposed to your emotion, and be concise about the comment of complaint.

5. If the matter has been satisfactorily resolved, do not keep bringing it up. In my experience, men are able to forget a situation quickly, and women seem to dwell on it, review it, and suffer from it for a very long time. When a matter is done, drop it. That is then, this is now. We live in the “nows” and not the” thens”.

6. Listen for the thought that is actually being expressed, and often more importantly, for the feeling that is being expressed. Be in tune and sensitive to others feelings, and not strictly their words. Women have a tendency to hear ALL words that are spoken, and ingest them over and over again. Men are more flagrant with their words, not oftentimes realizing that words can cut like a sharp knife. Those wounds (particularly-but not singularly, as men can be hurt too) often take years to heal.

7. Acknowledge that the other person (the speaker) has a right to his or her feelings simply because the feelings exist - no matter what the reasoning behind them. Nothing constructive will ever be accomplished unless the listener can accept the other person’s feeling as VALID for the other person.

8. Restate the content of what the other person has expressed. Do not state it in an accusing or negative manner, but simply emphatic about understanding.

9. State “feelings” in regard to what you observed that made you feel a complaint was necessary. Be sure not to confuse feelings with opinions .
Feelings can be motivated by emotion and not intellect. Stand back and objectively review these things.

10. Take responsibility for your feelings. Don’t say, “you made me angry”.
Say, “I got angry” or I am angry.” If you FEEL something - take the responsibility and don’t lay blame on someone else.

11. Before you speak or respond, take a breath (your brain needs 50% more oxygen to serve you optimally). You will also give yourself a moment to calm down, and the oxygen to help you do so. Empower yourself by breathing. When we are excited we often hold our breath. We cut off our own oxygen supply, inhibiting our calm and intellectual reaction to a situation. Do not let your emotions be in charge. We have been given brains to think. Use your intellect and discuss all points of the conversation or conflict.

12. Reminder: Keep it brief, kind and honest. Verbal communication is the way we project love, hate, joy, sadness, and so other emotions. Without it we can't RELATE to one another.

I truly believe my husband and I have kept our marriage as lovers and best friends for 19 years because we have ALWAYS kept the communication open between us, and never belittled what the other is thinking. We discuss things (we don't ALWAYS agree) - but we are honest and don't hold it inside to ultimately implode.

Remember that a lack of good communication can cause breakups, divorces, and wars!
Take a breath, think before you speak and listen with sincerity.