The power of your belief system

I like to disagree. It tests my belief system. It makes me think harder about a topic. It forces me to look at the other side. It reinforces my own opinion but also leaves room for me to change it, if appropriate.

I've been tested many times for many things, some things completely out of my control, such as the death of my spouse in 1989. I was young back then, and married again, of course, only to be tested again--big time--when that marriage ended in divorce in 2004, after 10 years of what I thought was holy matrimony. It was my only church wedding, and I'd put more stock in that one.

Alas, the dissolution began at the end of 2002, during the holidays. As you can imagine, the holidays are an awful time for families to split up or to begin the ending of a long-term marriage. It seems to happen frequenting during this time of year, however, and I've never quite understood that unfortunate truth. No matter. It's still a test whatever time of year it might occur.

During the beginning of mine, I did find myself debating my former spouse on almost everything. He told me he'd cheated on me. I told him he had to stop. He said we'd work it out. I asked him why he had to move out then. He said we could stay together if I could be friends with her. I told him he was crazy. It went on and on like that for several months. There was a part of me that asked the same question in the woman's magazine column, "Can this marriage be saved?"

Eventually, I hired a lawyer, and it was she, amazingly enough, who helped reign me in when my emotions wanted to veer off in a direction that could have only led to dread. She kept me on the right footing. I had a goal, and she helped me reach it. My goal was simple: I didn't want to come out of the loss a bitter woman. I just couldn't do that to myself, I told her. I told the same thing to my therapist, who said, "That's a good goal," and starting giving me regular hugs at the end of our sessions.

My goal meant I had a lot of soul searching to do. It meant I had to learn to let go of what he did and concentrate on what I was going to do. It meant I had to get in touch with a part of me that had been lost in the marriage--my spiritual side.

There were times when I thought to let go meant I was letting him off the hook, that I was saying he was right to behave the way he did. And then I became angry at myself for picking a guy who would behave so disrespectfully. It took a long time for me to realize his behavior had little to do with me, that my behavior was the one I needed to focus on, that letting go meant to free myself of blame and shame and judgment--that this wasn't productive for me in any way. I could let my higher power look out for me now.

There are times still today that I forget that. I need to be reminded. I wish this weren't so. I wish I were naturally a person who could just let things go. But some things, I hold onto. When I recognize that the disagreement I need to have is not with others but with myself, that's when I realize that I've been neglecting the growth of my spiritual side. That maybe I've gotten out of touch with what I really value. Maybe I haven't even considered it.

It's hard work to look inside yourself and admit you have flaws, to see that you can contradict yourself, that you don't have all the answers--and that some of the answers you did have led you to where you are now. If that "now" is not a good place to be, it's hard to face that you put yourself there. It's easy to resist taking personal responsibility.

That's why I applaud people who stand up for what they believe in. They may be right; they may be wrong. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that they do what they believe is right, and that, when tested, they still know where they stand.

I attended group counseling sessions during my divorce where I was told, "If you wind up getting divorced, the important thing is that you know that's what you want." Even my lawyer told me during our initial consultation, "Take these papers home with you. Think about it for as long as you need. When you decide it's time, then that's when you file. Don't do it because you feel you have to."

And I wasn't ready right then. She knew it. Initially, I wanted to keep my marriage intact. I hoped that I could. But that soul searching of mine led me to conclude not that I didn't have a choice in the matter, but that my choice was that I deserved a better life. My eyes had been opened, and I was now seeing clearly. The debate was over, and I'd taken my stand. I don't regret it. I'm not bitter. I met my goal.

That's the power of trusting your belief system.

Can you recall an event in your life where you felt forced to act in a way that went against your belief system? How did you handle it? What was the outcome? Go ahead and post your comments here.

It's time to own the choices you make

You know, reading the news about the Mills-McCartney divorce settlement has me nodding my head.

I understand why the media, the tabloids especially, seems to be biased against Heather Mills; she doesn't seem to want to own the choices she's made.

She misrepresented herself in court. She failed to get proper legal representation when she could have afforded to do so. And she expected an outrageous amount of money from her soon-to-be ex. Not only that, but she tried to blame him for her stalled career. What's so stalled about it? She was invited to perform on the reality TV show, "Dancing With the Stars"? I'm sure she was paid for that.

There's no use trying to understand why she's done or complained about any of this. She'll have to reconcile that in her own time. But for those of us watching and seeing all of this play out in the media, we can learn a few lessons. And if she were to ever read this blog, here's some specific advice to Heather: Take responsibility for your own decisions.

The thing is, we get married because we want to. It's a choice. Sometimes, we're not aware enough to know what's really happening in our lives, and we make foolish choices about getting married, and to whom. Sometimes, our future mates don't reveal important past histories to us, histories that if we'd known about beforehand might have led us to a different decision. Sometimes, we don't want to know the truth; we want to make up our own because it sounds better. Sometimes, we just don't have all the facts to make the best decision we might otherwise make. Whatever the case, once you have all of those facts in order, or enough of them, it's in your best interests to own the choice you made in the past so you don't make the same ones in the future.

To do anything else is a disserve to only one person: You.

I feel sorry for Heather Mills. I really do. To read that she's bashing the English court system, that she's bashing her husband's attorney, and that, during a court proceeding, she decided to pour a glass of water over the top of this same attorney's head, it's clear to me that she has some anger issues to deal with. These people do not care about that. It's time for Heather to get some professional help and pay someone to help her begin her healing process, to help her let go of that anger, and to find out how she can take responsibility for her future in such a way that this anger will not color her decisions any further.

Otherise, she'll continue to live with her crazy behavior. It may subside a bit, but it'll be there, waiting to rear its ugly head the next time she feels she's been wronged.

That could happen soon enough, as she's been ordered to return paintings that the musical artist Paul McCartney himself actually painted. He let her keep the ones he gave her--That's nice of you, Paul--but he would like the rest returned to him. The court agreed. Reading what I have, I wouldn't be surprised if she returned them alright, but returned them destroyed.

My advice: Heather, if you're even a bit tempted to do harm to this man's property, I suggest you don't.

I can say this because I had a similar experience, on a much smaller scale, of course. I also had to return a very expensive piece of artwork to my husband. We'd purchased it together. I'd known about the artist for years. I'd followed his work. It was fun, and we had a few pieces. But this one, in particular was quite valuable, worth nearly $20,000. Because I had a contact, we were able to meet with the artist in person and buy the painting for half the list price. Of course, during my own divorce settlement, my husband at the time wanted that painting and several other valuable pieces of property. It's not unreasonable that he would. In the course of the divisions, I agreed he could have this painting.

But I will say that I did have my moment of regret about that, sort of. I mean, there were times when I wanted to run a knife through the canvas. That painting's image represented a fantasy dance, and I felt like that's what my ex had been doing in his secret life. I felt like that painting represented his fantasy life, the life he'd been living without me. It almost symbolized a slap in my face, I thought. It was a hurtful reminder. So, in truth, I was glad to be rid of it. If I thought for a minute that it had really meant something to him on an aesthetic level, I might very well have slashed the painting. But I'm glad I didn't. I knew that painting meant nothing more to him than the dollars it was worth. He doesn't appreciate art in that way. He simply appreciates its monetary value. But having studied art theory in college and having written about it in my own career, I know a painting is worth far more than its price. And more importantly, I knew my integrity was worth more than either of the two. So, yes, I was tempted. But, no, I did not succumb.

And this is the kind of information I processed from the seat of my bike. When I was out there riding, I was giving myself time to consider my choices carefully. I always wanted to come out ahead, with no regret, with my dignity intact.

If Heather Mills is not careful, she'll forget there are more important things than how much money you can reap from a marriage or a divorce. It looks to me as though she's pretty set for life, though. She was awarded $50 million. That's nothing to cry about, and it's not worth the trouble she'd find herself in if she enacted any kind of revenge.

And this is not to discount any of her allegations that she was mistreated by McCartney. If she was, then she'll have to deal with that on her own. As will he. But if that was just more of her misrepresentation, then it would be worth her time to take personal inventory of who she really is and who she really wants to be. The two might not be the same.

All my best,
Jackie