A view to remember

I took this photo in October on my trip to Maine. On the coast about 20 minutes south of Camden, I was taking one last look at the sunset. But it had disappeared, and when I looked at it through my camera lens, this was what was left after sunset. I liked the peaceful calm that I witnessed in my viewfinder, so I snapped the picture.

It's worth remembering what peace and calm looks like, especially during hectic times that the holidays bring.

I use photographs like this one to remind me to stop and think, to relax. I have another that I took several years ago when on a trip to the Florida gulf shores. I was on an island called St. George. The shot includes the sea in the background, the sandy beach, and two empty beach chairs up close and in the forground. I like the symbol of that. I think of that photo when I want to remind myself of places where I've been, and places where I can still go. I could be sitting in one of those beach chairs, watching the surf, listening for seagulls, drinking an ice cold Mai Tai--because right behind those two chairs is a seafood restaurant that serves them. I could be there.

In fact, my six-year goal is to own my own beach house. I think I'll buy on the coast of Maine, but I can use this photo from Florida to help keep my dream alive. I think imagery is a good thing to use as reminders of what we would like to have in our lives. It's so easy to get distracted with what's happening now, that we can all too quickly forget what might be, or what will be.

What kinds of things do you use to remind you of your dreams, to help you relax, to keep you focused on what moves you forward. A physical bike can take you there, but it doesn't know where to go without your assistance. You need reminders, such as a mental BIKE, to help you do the navigating. Otherwise, how do you know if you're heading in the right direction, or even getting close?

This next week, pay attention to what you do to stay on track of your goals. Write them down. Notice what works and what isn't working. Start a conversation with friends about this so you can get more ideas. Begin collecting photographs or magazine pictures or other momentos that will act as reminders of what you want out of life. Think about what that looks like. If it helps you to post these items on a bulletin board (or something similar), do that. Hang this where you can see it daily. Then see what happens.

If you have ideas or thoughts to share about what kinds of reminders move you forward, post a comment.

Adapting to change or the unknown

Do not go

where the path

may lead,

go instead where

there is no path

and leave a trail.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson's quote above makes me think about change, risk-taking, and moving into the unknown or unfamiliar.

If you think about it, we do that every day. Nothing stays static. Once you get used to something, a situation, a schedule, or a relationship, it becomes boring. We need change to make life interesting.

This is true in all of life, I think. In work. In play. In our personal lives.

I've made a few changes around here, if you haven't noticed. I added a few "plug-ins" on the left-hand side of the page and at the bottom. You can now scroll down to the bottom of the page and read the daily news. I've added a link to my travel blog on the left-hand side of the home page, below my photo; it includes the title (or partial title) of updated posts. Click on that if something interests you.

I've changed my photo, but it's a subtle change. And I've included a more convenient link below it so you can sign up for my RSS feed. That's so you can get updates of my posts sent directly to your e-mail address, if you like.

And be sure to participate in my poll. I'm curious to know what you do for stress relief. December is a pretty timely month to discuss this. After all, we're out there tackling traffic, trying to fit as much into our schedules as possible to create happy holidays ahead.

I hope yours will lead to something new and exciting.

How Brinkley can avoid the "victim" role

Christie Brinkley, who is divorcing her husband of 10 years because of his affair with a teenager, is in for a long healing process.

She's been criticized, I've read in the news, by her husband Peter Cook's attorney for being angry and perhaps using that anger to get back at Cook. But it's good to see that she can respond to that criticism fairly. Of course, she's angry. She has a right to be angry. Her husband cheated on her. It's a classic case. There's nothing new here. And it's typical that her husband and his lawyer are trying to paint her as somehow wrong for feeling that anger, that it's a detriment to her children.

I'm sure she's handling this in the best way she can, given the circumstances. And I hope she stands her ground. No, she doesn't want to stay in a place of anger for long. Of course not. But she's still right in the middle of a really devastating experience. If you haven't been the "woman scorned," if you don't know what it's like to feel so discarded, then you probably won't understand her anger. But I know from my own similar experience that she has to allow herself to feel that anger. For too long now, I bet she's felt nothing but numb. There was testimony that after she learned of her husband's affair that she felt sick to her stomach, that she couldn't eat for days, that her friend found her on the street, hunched over--almost in a catatonic state.

I felt that exact same way. You can't believe what you're hearing, you don't want to believe it, but you know it's true. How are you suppposed to deal with this kind of betrayal. We don't get involved in long-term relationships, bringing with us our manuals that describe what to do in circumstances like this. We don't do that. We don't expect we'll ever need to know how to deal with this ultimate betrayal.

It makes sense then, that when it occurs, it's difficult to absorb such a difficult truth.

Oh, Brinkley will want to temper her anger as best she can, but it's ridiculous to think she shouldn't be feeling it. To deny her true feelings would be like pretending that what happened was simply a mistake. Adultery is not a mistake. It's a choice. Cook made that choice, and he may, in fact, be sorry about it. But it's not something that you can just apologize for, as his lawyer is insinuating, and move on.

The betrayal, the many lies it takes to continue living an affair, the person you become when you're in the middle of it, how you treat the woman you're supposed to love, honor and cherish, the guilt that you block out--all of that has an effect on the spouse who's being cheated on...and on the children as well. Brinkley's just now learning and realizing all of this. When you have to come to terms that your whole life with a spouse who cheated on you repeatedly is lie, you question everything you've ever said, thought or believed about him--and yourself as well. Your whole mindset is one big chaotic mess, and you don't know for sure if you'll ever survive it and be whole again. You don't know what you know anymore. It takes more than a few years to absorb that, understand that, get to the point where you can move past it--To even start, you have to have the whole experience behind you first. These people are not there yet.

There is no way to fully understand the depth of the pain this kind of situation can cause. Her husband really did, as it's been reported she said, destroy her life as she knew it. And maybe that life wasn't as perfect as she thought it was, maybe it wasn't as perfect as she wanted to believe it was. Remember what I posted about yesterday, that sometimes we aren't well trained to pay attention to our gut instincts. Maybe this is true in Brinkley's case. I don't know. But for whatever reason, she was drawn to a man who felt less than he is. That could be why he cheated. That could be why he turned to pornography. That could be why he led the secret life he did. My guess is that he had a history of some of this even before meeting Brinkley. Maybe he thought with her things would be different. We do that sometimes, don't we? We do that when we're not being honest with ourselves.

But now she's facing the deeper truth, and it's just not going to be that easy to overcome. She will overcome it, I'm sure of that, but it won't be when someone else expects it of her. If we can learn anything from spectacles like these, it's that. You can't push someone into "getting over it." Some may never do that. Some may not want to. But most of us, I'd like to think, will get there when we get there. If we can learn to have that kind of undertanding about human behavior, we'd be so much better off.

Whatever decision the court comes up with as to the custody issue of their children, well, that's not going to end the pain, either. No matter if she gets full custody, or if they share custody, it doesn't end the pain. In some cases, it could be the beginning of a whole new kind of pain.

I feel for her. It's hard for me to feel for Cook, of course. But I do feel for her. She's being criticized for causing this trial to be made public. But I don't know if that's the entire story. Of course her husband would want it kept private. He's admitted to behavior no father should want his children to know about, and certainly not his mother to read about in the papers or see on TV. For Brinkley's sake, I hope she's not involved in a public trial to get back at her husband. That won't serve her well in the long run. I doubt that she is; I think she's doing exactly what she feels is best for her children. It just may not look that way to outsiders who don't have access to all the information and may not be able to understand what this family is going through.

What will serve her well in the long run, however, is if she can come to terms with what he did, realize it was his issue and not hers. And it will take daily, conscious effort to let go of what he did and just focus on what she needs to do to move forward. That takes a really strong sense of self, courage, trust and faith. In my life, that's called BIKE.

I'd love to teach her how to ride.

All my best,
Jackie

BIKE your way to good health

The beauty of my special brand of BIKE (as I've mentioned before but reiterate for new readers), is that it's always with you. Here's the key: Once you've determined who you are at your core--your Best self...once you realize you can move past those obstacles, that you have the Inner strength required...once you trust that Killer instinct of yours...and once you begin to stand up for yourself and begin using with confidence your Expressive voice (Finally! There's the meaning behind the acronym!), you will let nothing hold you back. At least not for long.

I'm reminded of the lessons I've learned daily, but I particularly want to share this reminder that been's occuring this month. I've begun to redirect my attention to my physical health. Why? Because I'd let myself get out of shape, to the point that I wasn't meeting my boyfriend for Saturday morning runs. I'd find some excuse..."I'm too tired...I've got work to do...I'm drinking my coffee...It's too cold." And on and on. The truth was: I was out of shape. I don't run as fast as he does, so I'm not really running with him. But I wasn't even feeling up to running any distance at all. I'd let myself go.

My overall excuse was my work. I'd gotten caught up in it. Life was out of balance for me bacause I was choosing to put all of my focus on work. I'd neglected to fit in the all-important (for me) exercise in my morning route. Instead, I'd been getting up, fixing my coffee, and heading directly to my office to pitch stories, research ideas, or work on my book. Then, for the rest of the day, I'd work some more. And into the evening I'd work. When I decided I needed a break, I'd take time to have dinner or drinks with friends. But I was not exercising. It got to the point where I wasn't even walking my dog. If she needed to go out, I'd take her for a quick walk a few blocks and come right back home to my office. So my bad habit was even affecting my dog, and it had been going on for several months. My body was feeling the effects. And I had no choice but to notice.

It wasn't that I was gaining weight, but the weight was being redistributed to places I didn't want--my waist, for one--and my hard-earned muscle was changing to fat. The thing about BIKE is that I know what I feel like when I'm being my Best self, when I'm taking care of my physical self, for example, and I was now not feeling great. I was tired. I was getting cranky easily. I was not my normal joyful self. I was starting to lose my stamina. And the good thing is I recognized that.

I decided this month I had better change that.

Since my bicycle is in need of repair, I've once again gone back to my regular hikes up the mountain. In less than two weeks, the changes have become apparent. I have more energy. I feel lighter. My tummy's thinning out. I feel better.

So anyone out there who may doubt the power behind this mental BIKE of mine, doubt the power no more. You can find your own mental BIKE, and you can learn to take charge of all things in your life. It's a simple matter of awareness, of paying attention, of knowing what you really want yourself to feel like, to be like, to do.

I want my body to be able to continue moving forward just as much as I want my career to move forward and my bank account to increase. Not only that, but I don't want to miss out on trips with my boyfriend anymore. I was planning to go to hike the Grand Canyon next month, but I'll have to forego that trip for next year. I'm just not in good enough physical shape to keep up with him. It wouldn't be fair to him. So I'm staying behind. I'm mad at myself for that, but, again, that's why I'm refocusing my energy on my health. There are many good reasons to take care of your physical self. Not missing out on the fun you can have is just one of them.

But being aware, well, that's the beauty of this BIKE of mine.

It's not about always doing the right thing. We're not striving for perfection here. My special brand of BIKE is about knowing that if you get off track, you can and will--if you choose--get back on. Detours are sometimes necessary in life. They help you appreciate what you had and what you can have again. You just need to be aware of your behavior and take responsibilty for your own actions, without trying to blame someone else. No one else is responsible for my good health, or my poor health, but me. It's the same with you.

You really can BIKE your way to good health, in more than one way. I hope you're giving it a try.

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to post them here. Let's continue this journey together.

All my best,
Jackie

Weddings--the second generation

My daughter's getting married next week. We've been quite busy around here these last few days with final wedding preparations, including cleaning up in time for guest arrival.

The beauty of that is that my office is neat again. I can see there's a real floor down there, and the piles are put away. It's a good feeling to relinguish myself of the excess paper.

However, during hectic times like these, it's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle and forget to breathe. Between cleaning the house, scheduling the carpet cleaner, meeting with my daughter to discuss wedding plans and what bills need to be paid--NOW--and also trying to fit a little work in between, I keep catching myself forgetting to breathe.

When I observe this, it's a nice reminder for me to get outside, take advantage of the warm weather, and go for a long walk.

Breathing comes easier when you let it happen. The next time you catch yourself getting worked up about whatever stresser is going on in your life--even if it's good stress, like the kind that comes with wedding planning--and if the weather's nice enough, remember to give yourself a break. Consider going for a walk. It's a simple and healthy way to relax your mind, body and soul.

Walking is also good way to connect with who you are when you're not in turmoil. Even if you give yourself just ten or fifteen minutes, when you recognize you need it, give yourself that necessary break from what's bugging you.

Remember, BIKE puts you on the path toward being able to notice more quickly what it is you need and then taking action. That walk is more than just a walk, it's part of the journey that feeds your soul. While you're out there, you may notice the flowers that are blooming. Maybe you'll take time to see the different color variations in the sky. Remember when you were a kid and you'd look for faces in the clouds? If there are clouds in your path, look up and find a face. What does it look like? Who does it remind you of? For just a few moments, let yourself get lost in the beauty of nature. Take the mental images back home with you, or back to your office, and be glad that you gave yourself this time. It should put a smile on your face.

Remember, BIKE brings you to awareness. Let yourself be aware of the good things going on in your life.

Enjoy!
Jackie

A bike collection

I've been buying bike imagery a lot lately. I believe in having visuals to help you connect with goals. So I've been buying bikes. I have my mountain bike, of course --the one I ride. That Trek 4300, and my Huffy, were the first. Then I purchased my business cards, with the bike picture on it. A friend gave me a pin to wear on my lapel--it's a little golden bike. Another friend gave me notepaper with an image of a person riding a bike. Then after yet another friend sent me a greeting card with a bike image on it, to help me celebrate some recent BIKE-related successes, I decided it was time to start a collection. I see BIKE is starting to catch on, and this is exciting for me.

I am a collector, after all. I collect matchbooks, nutcrackers and books of all kinds. So why not bikes? I already had a good start, I knew. So when I was in Las Vegas last October with friends who were running the Las Vegas Half Marathon -- as running Elvi, of all things -- I found a special bike card at the Expo. It's an image that moves. Not sure if I can explain it, other than it looks like the biker is actually riding the bike. It's pretty cool, so I had to have it. I'll frame it. I also found a wine bottle bag with bike decor all over it. And just the other day, I found a bike replica at Cost Plus. I saw it once, and I'm the type of buyer who shops for things first. Then, if I go back to the store, and the item is still there, I take that as a sign, and I'll buy it then. That's what happened with my $30 welded bike sculpture. Now it's sitting on a shelf in my office.

This imagery is letting the BIKE continue to work it's mental magic.

If there is something, some image, that will help you make your dreams come true, I encourage you to use the magic within. This kind of imagery can help you stay focused.

If you were to start your own collection today, what image attracts you?

All my best,
Jackie

Let's talk exercise

Even if you think you abhor the word, keep reading.

Exercise, of course, is a good thing. I know you know that, but let me share with you a story that might nudge you a little bit closer to getting on that bike, going for that walk, or digging out those yoga tapes.

I've mentioned that I found my special brand of BIKE while going through my divorce. I found it while riding an actual bicycle. A year on an old Huffy (and then two years on the Trek 4300 when I wore the Huffy down) taught me many lessons. One of the more important lessons learned came from this story:

The year before chaos hit at my house, I had gained 40 pounds. Some of you may not think that's a lot, but on my tiny frame, that was a lot of excess weight to carry around. And I felt it. I felt heavy. I felt unhealthy. I felt, well, I felt fat!

And when you feel fat, you start thinking fat. Even my son made fun of the size of my butt. And I'd laugh it off. Sometimes, that's how you deal when you're not really dealing. My head was telling me, "Oh, what's the use? It's too hard to try to do anything about it." I know some of you have felt like this, and it's not a good place to let your thoughts wander. That's dangerous territory -- physically, mentally, spiritually, and even sexually.

You don't have the energy to exercise, so you don't. You let the negative self-talk override anything that could be positive. You're probably not praying or feeling anything remotely close to faith in a higher power. And sex? If you're not in line with the prior three, the later is probably not even close to happening. And if it is, it's probably not very satisfying. So what's the point, right?

The point is that you're missing out.

I know. Because I was that person. I was missing out. It was as if I'd flat-lined on a gurney. I mean, there was nothing going on in my life. If there was joy to be found, I sure didn't know where to look.

I was too busy opening cupboard doors.

Even though I'd never been a snacker before, I was snacking during the last year before my marriage ended. Things were falling apart at my house. I had become a woman who was turning to food for the comfort I wasn't getting from my spouse at home. He was hardly home, anyway. And even when he was home, he wasn't. What was even worse was this: I wasn't paying attention. I was ignoring. And I was telling myself that things would get better. But I was NOT doing anything to make it better. I was simply getting by, biding time, waiting things out. Waiting for what, exactly, I don't know. But my head was not in an active mode, that's for sure.

There's more to the story than this, but I started to become more aware the day I stepped on a scale at the gym and saw that number. It was 40 pounds more than I'd ever weighed, and I knew then that something was wrong. An alarm went off inside my head that warned, "Jackie, you have to admit, that's not good."

When I started riding, it wasn't long before I started to notice the changes -- not just in my body, but in my head.

Within two months, I could see the belly bulge disappearing. I realized I no longer felt the skin around my middle smacking my leg as I pedaled. I knew that was a good thing. It felt like progress.

I could think clearer, I had more energy, and I felt lighter.

That was in 2002. Here it is 2007, and I still remember what it felt like to not only feel sluggish but also to behave sluggishly. I am now aware of what my body feels like when I'm not taking care of it. I now know I absolutely do not like that feeling. So when I have my moments of inactivity, when life feels too rushed to find time to exercise, it's not long before I notice that familiar slug-like feeling. That's enough to motivate me to get back on the bike, get back on a routine hiking schedule, or hop on the exercise ball. I'll do anything to avoid moving backwards for long. I do not ever want to return to where I was at. It was not a good place to be, not for anyone.

But some of us have to know what the bad feels like before we can appreciate the good, I guess.

So I now pay attention to how my body feels. I pay attention to what I'm doing to take care of it, and I know when I falter, the faltering moments won't last too long.

That's what BIKE is about. It's not about being perfect. It's about realizing when you're not doing your absolute best -- because you know yourself well enough to know what that really is -- forgiving yourself when you falter, and getting back on track. The special brand of BIKE that I'm sharing with you offers you not an excuse to make mistakes but an acceptance of those mistakes and a reason to move past them...simply because you can and because it's the best action to take.

Your mantra today: I am human. I make mistakes. But I still know how to move forward.

All my best,
~Jackie

Missed opportunity

BIKE is about awareness, and this is a story about why it's important to pay attention -- even when you're eavesdropping...

I've mentioned my trip to Sedona a few times already, and I'm still feeling the effects of that trip. I've been thinking, for example, about a specific moment. I was with my boyfriend on this trip, and as we headed out of town to come back home, we stopped off at a creekside restaurant for dinner. We sat out on the patio which overlooks Oak Creek. It was a quiet day, a slight breeze in the air, very relaxing. After the meal, I went to the restroom. On my way back to meet up with my boyfriend by the stairs and head for home, I overheard the conversation going on at one of the tables. It seemed to be a husband, wife, their teenage son, and perhaps a family friend at this table. They were chatting, having a good time.

They were speaking loud enough that it wasn't difficult to hear what was said. When one of the men made a comment about how angry his ex-wife was as I walked by their table, I couldn't help but smirk just a little bit. Though I can't recall his words exactly, they were enough to cause me to make a face while I eavesdropped. The man caught me but didn't take offense. Rather, he invited my boyfriend and I over to their table to join in on the conversation. "We're discussing personal growth issues," he said, "It looks like you might have something to add."

But knowing we wanted to get home, I declined with this reply: "I wouldn't want to bore the poor kid."

"Oh no, you wouldn't. He's been sharing his own knowledge. Listen," and then the guy cojoled the young man into revealing what he knew.

The boy shared the usual stuff..."Don't take drugs. Finish school. Go to college."

It's all good advice we want our kids to adhere to, but it's rote commentary. There's no depth to it, I thought.

Still, I didn't offer my own words of wisdom, nor did my boyfriend. We just left the party behind.

It wasn't until I'd reached the parking lot when I realized I did have some good advice I could have shared, but I didn't take the opportunity when it was given to me.

If I had, I would have shared my BIKE philosophy. "Find your BIKE," I'd have told him. "If you want to live a good life, making decisions that move you forward into a positive and productive future, find your BIKE -- It's mental, not metal."

In the next few weeks, I'll share with you what that means.

All my best,
~Jackie