Healing in Abusive Relationships: 7 Secrets to Successful Survival in an Abusive Relationship

Far too often, we hear individuals in abusive relationships seeking to change their partners in order to change their relationship. While it is true that a change in either person will change the overall dynamic of the relationship, changing one's partner is only an option if it is partner-self-initiated.

Rather than holding onto something that is essentially out of one's control—actually not one's business—look to changing what is within your control and is indeed your business: yourself. In working with thousands of patients over the years, the one thing I consistently see is that when people grow to honor and respect their physical, emotional, mental and spiritual space, they have no tolerance for others not doing the same.

Now as I write this, I'm keenly aware of the hair standing up on end for those that are currently struggling in an abusive relationship. Know that I, too, lived there once. And I know that when being battered and remaining entangled in an abusive relationship, on some level, we are failing to hold reverence for that which our abusive partner has scorned.

Thus, I invite you to look within for the revolution. It is from here that lasting change occurs. It is truly from within.

In closing, I leave you with seven secrets to successful survival in an abusive relationship, during and afterwards should the relationship remain abusive.

1) Write—journal daily both your inner world and your outer world.

2) Whole food—nourish your body with that which is truly nourishing.

3) Water—let pure water be your primary beverage and saturate every cell with it.

4) Work-out—find a body strengthening and toning routine and make it a regimen.

5) The Work—when you feel mental and/or emotional distress, open your thoughts to an inquiry until they let go of you and your authentic truth will emerge.

6) Welcome—expect the universe and the individuals in your world to support, honor and respect you.

7) Wholeness—meditate and know the inner well of well-being. How? By cultivating the effortless innocent discipline of letting it in.

If I could tell you which one of these items is most important, I would. However, I'm convinced that each one is an integral part of the healing process. If you are inclined to adopt one of these seven secrets to successful survival in an abusive relationship as a start, meditation is the place to begin. With this, all of the others naturally follow.

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For more domestic violence survivor success tips and healing insights, visit www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse

Rut Busting: How You Got Into a Rut and How to Get Out

WordNet defines a rut as a groove or furrow (especially in soft earth caused by wheels) or a monotonous routine that is hard to escape; as in "her job made her feel that she was stuck in a rut".

What is this thing that we call a rut? Is one man's rut another man's rapture?

I. What is a rut?

In nature, weight and repetition form a rut. A wagon wheel travels the same path over and over and over again until the ground retains the impression. If you've ever driven a rutted road you know that once in the rut it becomes difficult to get out. On the other hand a rut may serve a useful purpose; before a road gets paved and straightened out, it often begins as a series of ruts. So a rut may lead you to a useful place; it may just need paving.

The elements of a physical rut on a road can be compared to our ruts in life. Our lives are full of repetitious activities from eating to sleeping to brushing our teeth. Our jobs require that we take the same road or train or bus. We take the same elevator, we encounter the same people, we do the same work, we go home, sleep and start all over again.

Some repetition is useful and necessary - too much seems to lead to the formation of a rut. Let's look at the emotions that being stuck in a physical rut cause. If you can't get your bike or car out of a rut, you quickly begin to feel trapped, frustrated and stressed. Sometimes you bow to the inevitable and simply continue to move forward until the rut runs out. You may not be carrying the equipment needed to bust out of the rut. You might need someone else to help you pull out of the rut.

II. How did you get there?

When you were a toddler you learned to walk often by falling down a lot. Sooner or later repetition had its effect and walking became second nature. You might remember the first time you successfully dressed yourself or tied your shoes and now these activities are second nature.

Our human selves are gifted with this ability to learn a task so well we don't have to think about it at all. This makes us more productive; consider how long it would take you to dress and get out of the house if you had to think consciously about each step of the process.

This learning process will eventually affect any behavior that we do consistently. And this can lead to ruts. If you get home at 6 p.m. every evening and lay on the sofa for an hour, you'll eventually find you've fallen into a rut. I guess you could say that a rut is a habit that we don't like anymore.

Look at the areas of your life you consider ruts – what activity did you do repetitively that got you into the rut? Why was it a good thing at first and not good now?

III. Do you want to get out?

But if we say we don't like the rut - are we sure we really want it to go away? We must sometimes examine the reasons for our ruts. It may be there to protect us from some pain we perceive that the effort to change would cause.

Most of us don't change (behaviors, attitudes, relationships) until the pain gets great enough. This doesn't need to be physical pain - psychological and emotional pain can cause us to change as well. The desire to get out of a rut - in our relationships, our jobs, our free time - will only motivate us when the alternatives become unattractive enough.

So your first task in rut busting is to honestly ask yourself if the pain you feel is sufficient to move you in some other direction. If the answer is "no" then the next task is to begin to add reasons to change. Start a list - write down as many reasons as you can to change and a second list of reasons to let the status be "quo".

IV. How to get out of the rut.

Move in a direction perpendicular to the rut. In daily behavioral terms, this means applying direct pressure in the direction away from the rut. It means going out and walking instead of sitting in front of the TV. It means confronting the jerk at work instead of knuckling under. Ever notice how loud an engine gets when it's trying to power out of a rut? This is hard to make ourselves do but probably the quickest way to get results.

Get a plank or some other tool to increase your traction. In life terms this means taking a class or joining a support group or reading a book. It may mean asking for help which, if you've ever been stuck in a rut, can be embarrassing.

Call a tow truck. Hire a coach or get some counseling. In this day and age it is not a negative stigma to establish a relationship with a professional who can guide you and provide you with the life tools you need to change. Email me at the address below for information on a free coaching session.

Get a more powerful vehicle. Go back to school. Strengthen yourself physically. Eat better, sleep more. One of the things I learned after I'd taken Time Management and Stress Management classes was that I was able to handle more "things" in my life which kept me out of a rut.

V. How to stay out.

Map out the road ahead to avoid the ruts. If you have no life goals or plans you'll tend to get back into ruts easily. Read Barbara Sher's book "I Could Do Anything in Life, If I Just Knew What it Was".

Get a guide who can show you how to stay out of trouble. Ole Steve Irwin, the Croc Hunter, never seems to need a guide – but most of the rest of us do. Again, the key here is a relationship with a coach or counselor or support group who can help you stay honest.

Conclusion: if you still don't know how to get out of a rut after reading this, then write me with your circumstances. I'll try my best to give you an objective evaluation of your situation – though you may not like the answers!

Copyright 2008 Hal Warfield

	Hal Warfield is a speaker, teacher and coach. Write him at warfieldh@gmail.com. Or read additional self-development and business articles at http://www.introvert.cc and http://www.halwarfield.com.

Five Ways To Lighten Up

It's so easy to get so caught up in your to do list that you lose sight of what's really important. When that happens, you likely start to take life way too seriously, perhaps even letting minor things get the better of you. Are you walking around feeling like you are carrying a heavy load?

Try these ideas to lighten up:

Laugh more. Did you know that on average children laugh 146 times a day while adults only laugh 4 times? No wonder kids seem to have such a happy perspective! How often do you laugh during the course of the day? Look for the humorous side of things. When you get right down to it, life is a pretty comical adventure most of the time. If you find yourself saying, "One day I'll laugh about this," go ahead and laugh about it today. Decide that it's not about you. Taking everything personally is a sure way to stay serious. Here's a reality check most of the time whatever is happening is not about you. When you encounter someone else's frustration, anger or stress, pause for a moment and consider that it's not about you. It's more likely about something that is going on in that person's life that has nothing to do with you. So let it go. Find your happy dance. Let music and dance play a greater role in your life. Find your own personal happy dance and do it one a regular basis. Many people are too concerned about how they look to other people so they resign themselves to a inconspicuous toe tapping when they hear a beat that moves them. Go ahead and shake your booty even if it's only in the privacy of your own kitchen. Remember, "What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?" Embrace failure. Think back to the best life lessons you've learned. Chances are they were a result of things that went sideways. Mistakes are the best way to learn. So next time things didn't go the way you planned or you screwed up royally, take it as a learning opportunity, not as a reason to beat yourself up. Ask yourself, "What can I learn from this to move myself forward from here?" Breathe. When you find yourself taking things a little too seriously, stop and take a few deep breaths. Using your breath is one way to elicit a relaxation response in your body. Deep breathing sends a signal to your body to release tension and pain. You can also use your breath to help visualize your stress easing. As you breathe in, imagine you are inhaling peace or calm. As you breathe out, imagine you are exhaling all of your tension. Laurel Vespi , certified life coach and chief executive guru of stone circle coaching, ignites businesses & individuals to new levels of CHANGE. works with clients internationally, providing unconventional yet practical tips that make the seemingly impossible... possible!

Five Ways To Keep Your Focus

If distracting yourself from important tasks has become a long standing habit, sometimes you just need to try substituting a new habit. Remember that managing distractions is all about being in choice choosing where you want to put your focus in any given moment.

Here are five ways to help keep your focus on the task at hand:

Categorize. All activities can be sorted into four categories: important and urgent (do it right now) important but not urgent (can wait but shouldn't) urgent but not important (driven by a time pressure, often someone else's) not important and not urgent (enough said) Most people get distracted by the last two types of activities. Before you undertake a task, ask yourself which category it falls into. Are enough of your important things being taken care of, or are you giving too much time to other stuff? Just begin. Sometimes you look for distractions because you're finding it difficult to get started doing something. Inertia can be challenge its easier to keep doing something else (watch tv) rather than start something new (take the dog for a walk). The way to overcome inertia is to just begin. Shove yourself into a new activity with a commitment to stick with it for only 15 minutes. Most times that's enough to get you focused. Watch for your favourite distraction. Everybody has their favourite way to kill time. Identify your preferred method of procrastination and then be on the lookout for it. When you're drawn to your favourite distraction, ask yourself whether there is something else that needs your attention instead. Be more accountable. When you are choosing to procrastinate, be more accountable to yourself and others. Say out loud: "I'm choosing to do X even though Y would serve me better." Practice meditation The goal of meditation is not, as some people think, to "empty your mind." Meditation helps you to quiet your mind so you can more easily hear your true inner voice. It trains you to notice distractions and let them go. That's a great skill to learn no matter whether you are meditating or trying to focus on a task. Laurel Vespi, certified life coach and chief executive guru of stone circle coaching, ignites businesses & individuals to new levels of CHANGE. works with clients internationally, providing unconventional yet practical tips that make the seemingly impossible... possible! Sign up for 's free ezine, inside the circle, and receive the bonus article "Five Steps to Finding Your Life Path." www.stonecirclecoaching.com

9 Easy Ways To Avoid Looking Stupid In Conversation

These days, it seems all manner of people are constantly putting their foot in their mouth. How often have we heard the President, a politician, a movie star or a celebrity say something truly stupid on TV or in an interview? There are some simple steps you can take to avoid looking stupid in conversation.

1. Your appearance speaks volumes about you. If you're in an outfit that's hopelessly out of date or doesn't look good at all, many people will not take you seriously. Wearing Velcro sneakers, brown socks, plaid shorts, and a striped shirt are not going to impress anyone. Remember, first impressions are lasting impressions. If people see you as an idiot right from the get-to, it'll be an uphill battle to convince them otherwise.

2. Study proper English. You want to learn proper diction, and use it. Don't use improper words like "ain't" or expressions like "Whazz up?" You might sound current and hip, but you're not going to sound smart.

3. Consider your audience. If you're in a social setting with adults, speak in full and proper sentences, and don't use profanity or slang. On the other hand, if you're with children and/or teenagers, using words that are too big for them to follow can also lead to them seeing you as stupid.

4. How you behave. Flopping across the host's couch at a party, chewing with your mouth open, burping, farting, and picking your nose are all things that will lower people's opinion of you. Remember, body language communicates as much as your words. So, sit up straight, use proper etiquette, and follow the Golden Rule; treat other people the way you want them to treat you.

5. Stay current on the events of the world. If you start going on and on about how Hillary Clinton will be a great President, people are going to see you as very stupid. As Hillary has dropped out of the race, that would show you as being completely out of touch. That is, unless you're going to talk about a future presidential race. If that is the case, then make that clear.

6. Be sure you brain is "engaged" before you put your mouth in motion. That is, stop and think before you say something. If you blurt out what a great actress you think Paris Hilton is, people will question not only your intelligence, but your sanity as well! Unless you're surrounded by fellow Paris fans, think about who you are talking to, and ask yourself if saying that is going to come across as smart.

7. Stay focused on the conversation. If you stop in the middle of a sentence and change the subject of what you are talking about to something completely unrelated, people are going to see you as scatter-brained. Pay attention to what you and others are saying, and keep your statements on the topic of conversation.

8. Don't be crude and vulgar. If you make sexist or racist jokes and/or statements, use profanity in every sentence, people are going to see you as a stupid jerk, and rightly so. None of these things are signs of intelligence.

9. Finally, don't be insulting. If you're having a debate about politics, the economy etc. and someone makes a good point, don't respond by insulting them. To be so petty that you have to win every argument through whatever means you can is going to make people see you as quite foolish and stupid.

When you're talking to people, a key to not coming across as stupid has more to do with simple common sense than anything else. Think about how you look, how you act, and what you say and how you say it. Look at other people, and ask if you see them as smart. If not, why not? And then look to avoid making the same mistakes they did.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: communication skills